Harry Potter Quits
by We-have-problems
Summary: Lily Potter, nee Evans, wasn't a good a girl as we all would like to believe. In fact, she once slept with a man behind her husband's back. His name was Tom Riddle. What is Harry going to do now that he is the son of his worst enemy? Why Voldemort Lily? WHY?


**Disclaimer: NOT MINE! (Happy Now?)**

**Summary: After Harry gains a new look, he discovers a secret his mother hid from everyone, including himself!**

* * *

Harry James Potter, current resident of number 4 Privet Drive, soon-to-be fifth year Gryffindor at Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry was having a very strange summer.

Not that most of his summers were anything other than strange. Two summers ago he blew up his Aunt. Not in a literal sense, which was something Harry found disappointing, as that woman had terrorized him throughout his life, but in a sense that she became a giant balloon woman.

Then Harry met his godfather, who most people believe to be a mass-murderer, but in actuality is actually quite a nice person, though not exactly sane. Granted, at the time they first met his godfather was a dog, and Harry didn't know who he was, but it was the principle of the thing.

This summer had to be weirdest of them all. He didn't quite understand what made _this _ happen, but it couldn't have been his fault, after all, he didn't do anything. At least, he didn't think he did anything. If he was going off of what Aunt Petunia was always saying this must be his fault, because everything always is. He wasn't sure of the cause, not yet, but Harry did know he woke up looking like someone else.

The morning this happened, and Harry was beginning to refer to it as the incident, Aunt Petunia was in a wonderful mood.

The old horse had just woken up from a dream where her nephew left her life forever, and she could live to old age in a perfect, cookie-cutter world. as a result, she was very cheery, and skipped to her unloved nephew's door and lightly knocked.

"Harry dear!" she called in a sing-song voice, "Time to get up and make my precious Diddydums his twelve course breakfast!" She was so happy she forgot to screech.

The-Boy-Who-Lived-To-Be-A-Pain-In-Volemort's-Ass woke up to the sun shining through the worn curtains, and birds chirping outside his barred windows, as well as his Aunt cheerily calling his name.

He wondered if he had woken up in an alternate universe where his Aunt wasn't such a frigid bitch. Harry shrugged, and got up anyway, uncaring of the possible dimension travel.

"Go multiverse!" he said, before leaving to go to the bathroom, not caring that he sounded like a completely different person.

Harry walked casually into the bathroom, and then screamed when he saw the mirror.

"YOU!" he cried, "How did you find me Voldemort?" Harry pause, "And when did you become highly attractive?"

This odd statement, was, surprisingly, true. A near replica of Tom Riddle stood in the mirror, looking back at Harry. Voldemort looked about fifteen,and Harry was, to say the least, surprised.

(Let it be known, at this point, Harry had forgotten what a MIRROR does.)

Harry began pacing back and forth, monologuing.

"I mean, don't get me wrong, Voldemort, the whole snake-face thing wasn't a good look for you, but you made yourself kinda young..in fact...YOU LOOK MY AGE!"

Harry jumped up in triumph, "I HAVE DISCOVERED YOUR EVIL PLAN MY ARCH-NEMESIS! You plan to infiltrate Hogwarts under the guise of a student! Well, I won't let that happen on my watch!"

Harry then noticed that Voldemort *cough* reflection, Harry *cough* was copying his movements.

"Stop copying me you evil bastard!" Harry yelled, then he heard that his voice was now smoother, silkier, deeper, and all around way more sexy than the whole, half-way to puberty thing he had going on before.

"Wow," he said, "I sure went through puberty fast."

Then he realized the reflection in the mirror was...him.

"EEPP!" Harry squeaked, not acting very heroic or impressive at all. He jumped back then admired himself in the mirror.

He flexed his muscles, and brushed back his new silky brown hair, gazed into his sexy emerald eyes, and just checked himself out. He now had much more aristocratic features, and he was taller. Basically, Harry was now an incredibly attractive teenager, so handsome he could be a model. He couldn't understand how Voldemort could give up a look like this for that...snakey thing he had going on now.

"Well," the boy hero said, still gazing into the mirror, "If I have to look like a young Voldemort, at least I'm a sexy beast."

After a few more minutes of self-admiration, Harry began wondering why he looked like this, I mean, he would never miss his knobbly knees, or bad eyesight, but this might be a problem. He couldn't exactly stroll into Hogwarts like this. Dumbledore would have a heart attack, and Snape would nearly wet himself with fear...actually this might be a good idea...Severus Snape...bet-wetter. Harry's face stretched into an evil grin as he pictured this beautiful scene.

Miles away in an old house in Little Hangleton Voldemort felt a strange sense of copyright infringement. He checked the charms he had placed on the papers for these sorts of things, and found to his horror someone had copied his evil smile without his permission. How dare they! Voldemort vowed to find this person and interrogate them, for no one could perfect his evil grin.

Back in Privet Drive, Harry was still pondering his situation. He could try a glamour, but really, what good would that do? One finite incantatum, and BAM! he looks like Voldie. Luckily, an owl appeared, just at the right time, flying through a conventionally opened window in the bathroom.

"Hey, you pervert owl!" Harry shouted, "You can't just fly into a bathroom, what if I wasn't in here, or if I was busy? You really need to learn something called COMMON COURTESY!"

Harry then bitch-slapped the owl and, with that, Harry took the letter from the disgruntled owl and it flew off. The letter, was , of course, addressed to him, but what was strange was that the sender was Lily Potter. His DEAD mother. Harry didn't think there was a way to delay post for a specific time, but hey, wizards.

He sat down on the toilet, ignoring the fact that the Dursleys wanted breakfast, and began to read.

_My son,_

_This is your mother Lily writing to you. This is kinda weird, considering I'm twenty-one and you're just a baby, and I'm writing this to you as if you were a teenager….anywho...let's get on with this shit. I'm not planning on needing this letter anyway, I'll be alive, and just take the letter back...I'll be alive...right?_

Harry was rather surprised that his perfect mother cussed, but thinking about it, she was only in her twenties, and probably still kind of wild. Also, she didn't really expect to die. Harry was kind of worried about the future tone in this letter.

_Before I tell you this big secret, I have to give the background story, so you understand. I married James Potter right out of school. No chance to get a job or have a career now. I was a married woman, no more flirting in bars, or snogging guys in the bathroom, I was tied down. _

_IT SUCKED! I needed the freedom offered to singles. We were in a war, I needed out sometimes, you know? So, I liked to sneak out to muggle bars, and get a few drinks, take of the wedding ring, and snog some random blokes. _

_James never noticed. He was so busy with "Order Stuff" and "Missions", I began to think he had a woman on the side. He also thought that the order was too dangerous for me. 'Cause I would one day carry his children and he needed me healthy. I mean, WHAT THE HELL! Most wizards are such sexist bastards, I wish I had a kick-ass daughter or something. NOT that I don't love you or anything Harry, but really if you ever grow up to be sexist, I will cut off your balls and feed them to you in a stew. Have fun with reproduction then!_

_For reference, NEVER GO TO WIZARDING BARS! Muggles have all the good drinks, we have like what, two? SO LAME! But, anyway, one night, I went to the bar, and saw the HOTTEST GUY EVER! You don't understand, he was tall, dark, and handsome all the way. He had the sexiest red-brown eyes, and he asked me to dance. _

_Now Harry, it was perfectly reasonable that I jumped this hot hunk without a second thought, and decided to have this hotties babie's. PERFECTLY REASONABLE YOU HEAR! I ended up meeting up with this guy for about another month. The sex was so great….._

_Back to topic, one day he told me that he needed to leave the country, and offered me a position as his right-hand. Kind of a weird term to use, but I declined. He was probably a businessman, and I have no knack for business, let alone, muggle business. _

_He wouldn't take a hint, kept going on about how I was so good in bed, he didn't care about my status, whatever that meant. Finally I took out my wand, planning to obliviate him, when he smiled at me and laughed. Turns out he was a wizard as well. He said he wanted to be a politician of sort, and I would be perfect as his Dark Lady, but I really had to decline. _

_After all, this guy was only just starting out, and James had tons of money, this guy didn't. I couldn't tell him that, so we had wild sex and I snuck out in the morning. _

_I like to think we parted ways kindly, and he only ever knew me by Lily Trancy. Never told him my real name. I went back home that night, and had pity sex with James. Really, I had deprived that guy for a month. _

_The next morning I found out I was pregnant. Had to test a spell that would tell me who the father was...turns out it wasn't James. It was that sexy beast of a man with those eyes…._

_Now, you are probably wondering why you look like James. I actually might have kinda, sort of, changed your appearance. I just wanted James to think I was a faithful, good little muggle born. I was just after the poor bastard for his money. _

_So, you don't actually have Jame's 'just got shagged' hair, and those weird looking knees. You are actually gonna be pretty hot, but I had to protect my reputation. _

_You will get this letter, hopefully never, but just in case, here you go! This letter is spelled to be sent to you when the charms break….yeah. Don't hate me, please. I was only twenty, and really horny. _

_By the way, his name, or so he told me, was Tom Riddle. (Sexiest Pseudonym ever!)_

_So, goodbye O Sweet Child of Mine. _

_Love, Lily (Your Mommy!)_

_XOXOXO ;)_

For a second, Harry sat silently, absorbing this influx of information. Then he got up and took a deep breath in before collapsing on the pale pink flooring, thinking, "HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT."

When he woke up, Harry had a plan. He had a lot of time to think while he had, not fainted, but collapsed. Dumbledore would lock him up, the ministry would execute him with a smile on their face, and he really couldn't live his life normally anymore.

The only option left was to create a new life for himself. He took out his wand, and intoned.

"Accio replica of Harry Potter's dead body." He then proceeded to snap his wand, to hide the evidence from the ministry. They would be here in ten minutes.

After three of those precious ten minutes, a very life-like dummy zoomed in through the bathroom window. Harry checked under the shoe. It read, _Property of Lord Voldemort._. Harry sighed, figures.

He then proceeded to slit the wrists and write a suicide note, before jumping out the window on the green grass.

Harry, no longer a Potter, but in fact the Dark Lord's son, walked down Magnolia Crescent, whistling merrily into the sunset, ignoring the fact that he had collapsed for over ten hours, and it was now sunset.

* * *

**Author's Note: I must have been high when I wrote this or something, this is totally crazy, PLEASE COMMENT IF YOU WANT ME TO CONTINUE THIS! I could continue this story, or just start a new open-ended one-shot. **


End file.
